I once subletted an 180 square foot apartment from a queer psychic in the West Village of New York City. That’s quite the sentence, right? I’ve lived many lives y’all, I think that’s what happens when you have a 6/3 profile and some level of financial privilege.
The first time I met him, he told me something rather shocking that has stuck with me in the five years since.
He told me, unsolicited of course, “It’s like you’re apologizing all the time, everything about you is apology, it’s like you’re apologizing for existing.”
I think I apologized for giving off that impression. 🤦🏻♀️
It wasn’t until I discovered Human Design that I really understood how true his perception of me was. I’m a Manifestor, and we have what is traditionally called a “closed and repelling aura.” Terrible language. This phrase was part of why I started reframing Human Design for myself, and why so many amazing intuitives working with the system are updating and shifting the language to be more inclusive and useful. The way I understand Manifestor auras is that we push our energy out into the world, our energy tends to bump into people, which is part of how we initiate things into being in the world!
However, I bumped a lot of people who didn’t want bumping in my teens and 20s and by the time I was 28, sitting in the West Village with this self-possessed psychic channel, I was energetically making myself small to stay safe and to make sure that others felt safe around me. I was terrified of being too much. Granted, I was still a lot, y’all. My Manifestor energy, defined heart/ego was leaking out no matter how much I tried to hide it.
I sometimes wish I could have do-overs with people in my life, show them how much I’ve grown. I wistfully wonder what it would have been like if I’d figured out more, earlier. I wish I could show him how much I’ve grown. I wish I could have walked into that apartment and that life differently. However, rather than getting trapped in that not-so-helpful six of cups style nostalgia, today I just want to say that when I took his insight to heart and stopped apologizing so much, when I stopped micromanaging other people’s experiences of me, stopped catering to the space I thought I should occupy and stepped into the space I actually take up (which varies, btw), my life got better. That’s the simplest way to put it. My life improved.
So this is me and my full, big, bold, unapologetic self, giving you permission to take up the energetic space you take up. Or at least try it out for an afternoon.
Quick note to White Folx: this permission is given with a caveat for us. Take up the space you take up, and be mindful of what spaces you are in and if you might need to reign that in a bit. Not every space requires the fullness of your self-expression, especially when racism is so ingrained in our culture (speaking for the USofA here, but looking at you, too Europe). You deserve your fullest expression, and you also deserve to be wise and discerning enough to know that not every space is for you.
That’s all for today.
I’m working on an upcoming newsletter about open centers and social media addiction. It isn’t quite ready yet, but if you’ve noticed any particular correlation between open centers of your design and how you relate to social media, I’d love to hear your insights.
Trust your magic!
Clare